Jacks

Is there anything you’ve told your kiddo repeatedly that you truly wanted to do, just kept putting off? Anything they kept hearing answers on auto replay? We will. Maybe later. Another day. Just not right now. Maybe after dinner…. Have you ever watched a week turn into a month, then months turn into years? Each time I said ‘no not right now’ the tears would silently fill inside of me.

Why the block on jacks!? Why did maybe really mean no? I’ve brought jacks to every camping trip, to every weekend adventure I can remember, hoping that one time I would put the demanding schedule on hold to say yes to the quieter gentle little innocent voice of my tender son. Each time I saw the jacks deep down at the bottom of my purse, I began to only see the ways I was failing my son. Even though I think that may be the only thing I’ve ever failed him on, that’s not what guilt tells you. Guilt lies to you whispering your a crappy mom because even though you’ve done a million things right, your conscience remembers only the speck you did wrong. It’s insane really. Yet, so is not playing jacks with your kid for the past five years.

Tonight though. Tonight I did. Tonight I saw the way his eyes lit up the way they should have when he was 6 or 7, 8 or 9…not 10. But kids are full of grace and they are full of love, and his desire to play jacks never faded from his first desire until now. Tonight I made time for what mattered most, not in the big picture, but what mattered the most to him right now.

What have you put off? If there’s anything. Even if, especially if… it’s small to you but big to them, todays a great day, or tomorrow too… just don’t let too many tomorrow’s go by. The smile on their face and the guilt release from your heart is worth it.

Jacks. Such a simple yes. Most of them truly are. I’ve said yes to countless request, just not this one. Yet, if I’m being honest this one was destroying my heart, it was destroying my perception of the way I saw myself as his mommy. When we finished playing, his siblings took over playing with him and I snuck away to write this, to face my guilt, to press into this feeling. I hugged him and cried apologizing that it had taken me so long. He had no idea it had been years. He just beamed a smile, said it was awesome playing and he loved me too. Such beautiful love comes from such beautiful little souls. I hope I can learn to give myself such unconditional beautiful love too… even if in some areas, it may have been years.