Fear. It used to paralyze me. It owned me.

Most of my life I fought it every night, turning many evenings into the most treacherous of nights. Honestly, it mostly always won. Then somewhere around the age of 25, I asked my friend Vanessa and her hubby to pray over me while we were at Hume Lake Christian Camp. That day the spirit of fear left my body in ways I can never describe in full detail or tell anyone the full effect of how it transformed me in a way that anyone could understand.

But I was free.

I could sleep peacefully at night for the first time in my entire life. I have always called myself a night person when in reality I would mostly just pass out from exhaustion of being scared of things that in reality would never happen. In fact, the one time my biggest fear did unfold, I laughed, and somehow wasn’t scared at all. Funny, how when we face our fears, their never as scary as we told ourselves they would be. In fact, often those moments make the most impact on us because we were brave, past our fear.

Yet years later, I found myself trapped in a new debilitating scale of fear. I had become such an avid people pleaser, playing only the cards that someone wanted or needed or expected me to be. I love being me. I love being able to adapt to who someone needs. I love that I can be various versions of who I am while always staying true to myself. For some people this is their job; as a hairdresser, counselor or pastor, teacher or parent. For other people like me, it’s just life, juggling needs, fitting into people stories, helping them in whatever way I can.

Sometimes though, having to constantly reorganize the cards you play can become tricky. I don’t love when people expect me to only be a queen of diamonds. I don’t love when people judge that I have joker cards too; when they believe only 3 of hearts belong in any single deck. I often have been scared to show all my cards, except to a select sacred few. This year I have fought this fear daily; to be all me. What if people can’t accept that I have spades of secrets and clubs of curveballs? What if I can’t please everyone anymore? What if I’m finally exhausted?

I want to be free.

I had to dig down into those treacherous nights and discover who or what was I really scared of. I had to face that I’m not scared of the people I admire the most. I’m not scared of the people that love God the way I do. I’m not scared of the people that have tattoos, cuss, drink or smoke; for often those favorites of mine make me smile the most. I had to face that I’ve only been held back by the judgmental Christians, the ones I avoid at all costs, because they stand on their self-made throne blocking people from ever wanting anything to do with God. I had to face that I was holding myself back because I was afraid of what people thought of me, when in reality, those same people are the ones I want to be nothing like. Weird, when self-discovery leads you to thoughts I would have rather not faced. Weird when I have to face that the way I’m raising my kids to love Jesus, and be Christian is not the same as what that means to everyone.

This week, these past few months, have been the lowest and highest points of my life in the most beautiful way. I realized I’ve always been a soul connector for people. I’ve realized that to be free, I just have to let myself be free. Fear is a liar. I want to connect people again. I want to say Yes to doing what God is telling me to do. I want to hear Him and not be bothered with what He is telling other people or what those people are telling me. I want to keep hearing God and to not tell Him to wait anymore because I am scared, but instead to just keep saying ‘yes God, I’m scared but fear is a liar, and I trust you’.

I’ve kicked fear in the face these past few months. It was a battle. I had spiritual warfare that was out this world. Yet, I also woke up to the smell of perfume that flooded the room and was gone just moments later signifying the presence of God. Parts of me had to die, so the parts of me worth loving could finally be free to live.

I’m done being sacred, and at the same time, I’m most likely at the beginning of being judged. Yet, I’m most definitely exactly on the path leading me back home, where I am home in God, and home in myself.

Freedom comes at a cost, but is always worth it.

& I am finally free.

 

4.23.18