Paralyzing debilitating anxiety. It is a thing.

It is real and it can be terrifying. Honestly, I always thought it was just in people’s heads; that they could turn it off it they wanted to. I would sometimes think they just wanted attention, or that they must be just overthinking something or that they were probably just overly stressed. I believed that whatever they were going thru could easily be fixed or at least the anxiety part of it was clearly just a switch they could turn off. I didn’t realize that when they were telling me their story, that in that moment, they were reaching to me, hoping that I could be their anchor to provide some stability regardless if it was a small quick fix or a longer one, in that moment they just needed something to hold on to. I had assumed it wasn’t real because 10 minutes earlier they had been fine and within an hour of talking they also seemed perfectly ok. I feel bad now, that I didn’t understand, what I didn’t understand.

Years ago, for a few very distinct memorable months, I fought these fleeting emotions that I couldn’t label or understand. They were what seemed like unrelated episodes of physical pain. I would suddenly have a desperate excessive need for the outdoors. These seemingly irrelevant symptoms that would attack me would then disappear as quick as they came with no reason or explanation. I didn’t understand what was happening. In some ways I wish someone had every thought of describing anxiety as a sneeze. It could come out of nowhere, shake you up and leave as quickly as it came and that it could surface both when things were shaky, as well as when life was perfectly balanced.

It is unpredictable. Similarly, I’ve also recently thought of it as a migraine in an attempt to describe to someone what it’s like to go thru that is as naïve as I was. It can collapse all other thoughts. It can make you shut down in otherwise normal circumstances. It can suddenly make your scheduled life or rational thoughts disappear without warning. Today, there was in fact some underlying reasons I woke up anxious, but to the level anxiety abruptly woke me up, I wasn’t even halfway prepared for. This past June was the hardest month of my entire life. Someday when I’m strong enough, I will write about it; I hope. June was relentless. From dealing with anxiety for a quick 20 minutes as I transitioned from being asleep to awake like this morning, instead, in June, I would only get a 10-minute reprieve each day from this deep heaviness attacking me. It was a fight for survival every single day.

June came and went in the nights that the calendar pages slowly turned to July, and in that time turning, so did all of my anxiety. That month though, I knew exactly why I was getting attacked by anxiety. By fighting for my every next minute, I was able to recognize familiar feelings and realize that is was in fact anxiety that had attacked me years prior. I have never experienced a season like that which I know refer to as ‘June’, for it was by far the worst month of my entire life. In experiencing ‘June’, I will now never ever see mental health the same way. For I reached out in ways greater than I ever dreamt I would, and every person that was there for me, saved my life in so many ways.

So, 8 months later February happened. It was almost like I could sense the allergy season of anxiety creeping on. Yet, this time, I knew what I was facing and I was prepared. I took precautions. I took people, I took anxiety relief, I slept on my couch for a safe emotional place to sleep, I took whatever I needed to be ok and mostly I doubled up on my God intake. I took care of myself. I reached out for help when I needed a safe place to escape. I went on hikes in the middle of nowhere and I faced myself head on. There were days I took the easy, but necessary way out. There were days I faced the darkness alone. There were also times I jumped from phone call to phone call to experiences either relief or distraction.  Sometimes I ran to Netflix. Other nights I let my dreams carry me away to a world that didn’t exist in the day, falling in a deep sleep at the same time as my kiddos. Every morning I ran outside to read ‘Jesus Calling’, for even in a small but huge way, it led my my aimless mind to a purposeful place. Every day I kept my face up and my spirit strong. Yet, I frankly didn’t care how I survived, I only needed to know that I would.

I did. I have. I will. Have you ever hit rock bottom, just to survive? What an odd question right? Yes, well, 2 weeks ago was really hard. I gave myself permission to reach for God, but nothing or no one else. That sadly was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. At first I think I hated it. I also firmly believe that when you are not doing ok, you should reach for help in every way possible, allowing yourself any form of pain relief that works for you and if you don’t feel that way, that is ok and you are blessed because you probably have never been where I have been.

So this week I could have become anyone, but thru running blindfolding thru a dark field of scary noises, nightmares following me and fear paving my direction I had to fully trust God. I mean fully. Do we ever actually do that, fully? I gather that I rarely have because this week I did and I was scared every day out of my mind. This week I pressed into Him carelessly, freely, and fully and He pressed back to the same extent that I did; carelessly, freely and fully. This week I experienced a peace that I only felt once and it was in a dream… where I died. This peace was the most powerful, peaceful, beautiful experience God and I have ever gone on together. This week I begged Him to take this heavy cloak of anxiety hovering down on me and replace it with a heavy peace. He did. I wish I could somehow truly have you understand what that means, what that feels like, what that is, but I can’t. What I experienced isn’t even possible, except that it apparently is, because it happened. This peace has been the most overwhelmingly amazing gift God could have given me.

Then this morning happened. For a moment, everything came back. The reckless fluttering when I couldn’t get a grip on myself, on my circumstances, on my life. This lake of emotions that last week had become a puddle, suddenly was now a roaring angry ocean again. I had to face it. I had to face it alone. I have no problem reaching for help in whatever relief is available to me, but I had to know that I could face it alone too for all those times that is my only option. I had to know that if there was no anchor, if there was no one on the other line, if there was silence from God, if there was nothing in reach, that even if I couldn’t swim to safety… that I could float. This morning I had busy ‘life list’. I had to get stuff done. I had to do so much. Yet, as if I had a migraine and I had to escape life to take care of myself and heal, I realized that in that same exact way I needed to escape my fears today, face myself, go to a place that I felt safe and take my mental health as important as I would my physical health. So I did.

I have a beautiful life. I am a strong woman. I am amazing. My life is truly amazing. I also have hard days. I juggle things in an incredible way nearly all of the time, but sometimes I can’t do it all either. There are times like last June or last week that I am falling apart. It’s incredible that it is socially understandable to have a bad hair day, that it is socially acceptable to not make it to the gym for a couple weeks, but it is socially not ok to say your sometimes not on top of your game. I didn’t know mental health was a real thing, until I did. Regardless of whether I had to be strong sometimes for a solid minute or a solid year, I am in awe of what one person can endure.

Sometimes I have bad hair days, sometimes I don’t make it the gym, some days I feel anxiety brush by momentarily once a year, and other times I wake up in full battle with it with no warning or understanding of why. So, this is me. This isn’t always me. In fact, in the scheme of my 34 years of life, this has only been me about .00000033333 % of my life. Yet, today this is me. Today anxiety tried to kick my ass. Today I couldn’t fight, or swim, or fly; but refused to sink; so today I just floated, and that’s ok too…

Anxiety is apparently really a thing. I will always feel bad that I didn’t understand what I didn’t understand until I did. I don’t always kick anxiety’s ass, but today I did. If you ever want me to kick its ass with you… please know I am here to sit with you, swim with you, or even just be there to float with you… Know that you’re not alone. You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful and that it may be the fight of your life, but the paralyzing debilitating feeling will eventually pass and you will breathe again. I love you. — me