I said ‘yes to God’ today. I was really fucking scared. Being brave is just that. It’s doing something when you are really scared. If you’re not scared, I don’t necessarily think bravery is the right way to describe what you went thru. Today I was brave. I obeyed God amidst the fear. I went to where He said to go. I went to talk and I didn’t know what to say. God had whispered to show up. I did, but after that, there was nothing. There were no perfect words. There was no instant resume of dates and jobs of who I had been and who I could offer them. The job experience I have technically have has a lot of holes in it when you’re looking only at paid positions; at least for the past 10 years.

 

However, the life experience I have fills countless lifetimes and is even hard to believe. Thru overcoming trials, I have faced some of the greatest situations mastering qualities that matter deeper that those listed under computer skills. My experience holds in it nearly every possible situation covering more than any one person could ever be technically educated on, taught or trained for. By God’s refining and grace, He has given me qualities of love, empathy, compassion, strength, integrity, boldness, professionalism; and in which, He has a great plan for. Though I could fill pages of past jobs, of computer skills, of things that make me ‘hire-able’; for the last 10 years I have had remarkable experience of being a mom; the most fulfilling, exhausting, multitasking, beautiful opportunity ever. It is amazing, but also the hardest part of trying to break back into the working world for many reasons. Oh’, the world where you can clock in and out, get lunch breaks, get paid for your hard work… wow; it’s a weird feeling having to apply for a job that you are overly qualified for, but can’t necessarily prove.

 

As I walked out from the Rez Church office, thinking of all my unformed sentences, awkward inquiries, and insecurities, I also I felt really proud of myself. I also felt a little confused. Why had God sent me to do this? I know I need a job, but mostly I need more purpose. I asked about volunteer opportunities too; for even though I knew I needed money, I mostly just needed more God and I knew there are people that need more of God, thru me. I would love to be a part of what He wants me to be a part of, and after being a mommy these past 10 years, I have no belief that God’s calling has to be a paid one. I know I have every quality possible for nearly any job, but understandably it’s often only given a first look after someone first reads the printed resume pages of dates, skills and abilities. Apparently, what matters most to get a job is the things that actually at the core matter the least; such is working life. As I walked out I wasn’t sure what that had gotten me. As I breathed in, I felt Him whisper in my heart, gently and proudly, “You said ‘Yes to Me’.”

 

I froze. All of my endless amazing qualities that I was scared I would have to prove, type, expand on, suddenly didn’t matter. What if it was never about some killer job? What if it had zero to do with any of my amazing attributes? What if the entire purpose was to get me in alignment with saying ‘Yes to God’? I am humbled as I realize what seemed like a massive scary road of applying for my first job in 10 years was actually really insignificant in comparison for what God had planned for this morning; what God has planned for me. As I’m trying to find my purpose and create new routines, today I found my scariest, but also, hopefully my favorite way of living, and that’s to say ‘Yes to God’.

 

Feb26.18 I said yes to God.