We only own ourselves.
Over the years I’ve only come across a extremely small handful of people I truly didn’t (want to) understand. I used to try, and it took me awhile to learn that sometimes you don’t want to be able to understand how some people think or are. For if I could think like them than I would be like them, & they are sometimes the last kind of person I would ever want to be.
In Hawaii, I had 2 neighbors that were so insane, filled with both an unbelievable amount of insecurity as well as misplaced pride, that their husbands would apologize to me for their wives(so awkward!). Than last year a close acquaintance jumped to fast conclusions & though I was grateful we talked it over, I also realized I didn’t want someone in my life that was so insecure that she saw the people around her negatively too. Those 3 people were my only experience of recognizing some people are poisonous, maybe good people, but people I don’t want near my life.
Recently, a close close friend & I drifted apart, maybe for reasons, maybe for busy seasons, maybe just for distance & honestly I was so distracted with daily life I didn’t notice at the time. I reflected a lot about it. I care so deeply. It was interesting to me bc with those 3 people, besides being able to recognize they were half crazy I also didn’t mind if my hurt turned to anger, but with this friend the hurt sank in deeply & for a second it almost turned to anger. I took a breath & realized, no I’m just hurt that they were shutting me away, because my heart loves them so much. I almost distanced myself as a defense, because reaching forward may hurt more, but I had to move on from hurt, so I wrote.
I wrote a lot & I healed. I didn’t replace hurt with hate, but wrote from my heart to them, to myself & found myself still standing, still smiling, still loving amongst the pain. We only own ourselves. We can’t control who other people are. Its ok to say I miss you. Its ok to love someone even if you didn’t have all the answers. Its ok. I feel like I see many women act vengeful, or make fools out of themselves(crazy hawaii neighbors), or hide. Im sure I do so much wrong in friendships, but I love hard. It was so freeing to see that just as I have friendships for a season, that I may have been someones seasonal friend too & that regardless of time, distance, words spoken or hidden that I don’t have to change how I feel, that I can still love someone deeply no matter what & that no amount of someone distancing can make my heart love them less.
I love those that hold my heart & its ok to hurt, to love hard, & to heal. We only own ourselves….
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