Soul vertigo.

I wish ‘me’ 3 years ago could have met ‘me’ now even if it was only for a brief moment…

The last few life chapters have been overall beautiful, but also have been scattered with crumpled challenging pages; those written to learn to let go of hurt, expectations, & obligations. Instead of ripping out the not-so-fun pages, I purposefully triple filled the pages in between with positive people, love lessons, & good choices that would lead to stringing as many of those experiences together in a wholesome way in hopes of creating health, healing & restoration for my soul.

The last few years God took my pieces and He put me back together. I almost didn’t notice what He had done because I always felt whole even in my pain, but like my mom would say ‘like a seamstress He did it from the inside out’. He put feared needles in place, pulled tight in some places and then took a loud machine to sew the broken holes back together. At the time all I saw was the confusion, the fear of pain, the embarrassment of the broken holes and frayed edges. There were some steps I kept expecting to take more time that I wanted them to take & I was scared of the process. What I didn’t realize was all the work He was doing on me when my life seemed inside out would all be so evident in time, so worth it, & so much more life giving when I had thought it was mostly life robbing. People warned me that God would take my story and use it to transform others but I continued to reject it because as I will always wish, I wanted to be able to become the ‘me’ now without all the beautiful mess that had to come first. Don’t we all…

When I wanted immediate healing; instead He took me, twisted me, made me uncomfortable, & made me feel what I’ve only been able to call: soul vertigo. He took out the needles, he cut off the frayed edges, turned me inside out and everything suddenly fit perfectly. It took me some time to accept, as backwards as that may sound. I’ve been scared of people, because even though they want you to find healing and for God to restore your soul, sometimes some of them first want to see your brokenness. What they don’t know is how beautiful some souls smile even in the storm. The past few years the hurricane subsided, and yet, because I always saw every day as sunny, never willing to accept the darkness, when the clouds went away I almost didn’t even notice. For a while, I didn’t know what to do next, what to accept, what to feel; & maybe in some ways I didn’t know where I even wanted my own sequel to go, what I wanted it to be about, or what I wanted of myself.

And then today… I did. Today, I had the most beautiful day. I mean it was a freaking disaster. Lol. It was messy chaos. It was non-stop. It wasn’t perfect. It had frayed edges and holes galore but today I owned those pockets of unknowns, of mistakes, and mismatched moments and just let them all roll off. Today was beautiful because in all the chaos there was clarity, in all the holes there was hope and in all the madness there was hidden beauty. Today I saw my life sequels ‘rough draft’ and I felt so alive. It’s fun being brave as long as you’re ok with being scared to death. So thankful for todays mismatched messy madness Monday… even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, it holds beauty within me…